This past weekend I had a half marathon. One of my favorite runs that includes more than 5 thousand people running down a picturesque highway with red rock on all sides into the small town of Moab, Utah. Unfortunately, this year I was sick.
The weather is always perfect this time of year in Moab. 75 degrees and sunny. I am always excited and nervous as we load up on the buses that shuttle us the 13.1 miles away from town. Unfortunately, this year I was sick.
I usually stretch at the start, apply body glide to prevent chafing and pee no less than 4 times - usually behind bushes with Jess standing guard because I have an irrational fear of portable toilets. I usually relish every one of these activities. Unfortunately, this year I was sick.
I usually take off from the start with adrenaline going strong carrying me easily through to mile 6 where I refuel on a substance called "goo" that strangely enough tastes and looks exactly as it sounds. Unfortunately, this year I was sick.
What does a sick half marathon look like? Not pretty. To give you the complete story, I should probably back up to Thursday night when I went to dinner with some of my favorite client's after not eating all day. When my General Tso's Chicken arrived, it was all I could do to use a fork instead of just sticking my face in and inhaling as fast as I could. 3 hours later, my face was closer to the bowl of my toilet than it had been to my chicken.
Friday night, I had the same experience...hmmm...could this have something to do with this? It seemed that every time I ate anything resembling food my body was all ... wait a minute, we don't do that anymore...go chew on some grass...
Saturday morning I woke up starving, but was terrified to eat more than a banana - for obvious reasons. As our shuttle bus stopped at the point where the 5 mile run began, I seriously considered getting off. I was sick, after all? I was exhausted from puking 2 days in a row...I was starving...My body had turned on me...Was there any shame in running 5 miles rather than 13.1? As I was debating all of these things in my head, the bus pulled away and I was doomed to run 13.1 miles.
As we pulled into the starting point, I honestly didn't know if I could run. I have completed multiple half marathons and had never felt like this. I was already nauseated and I hadn't even begun...What if I passed out on the course?... Even worse, what if I vomited on myself?... I'd rather pass out than have throw up all over me...If I had a stomach bug, what if it manifested itself in other ways?...I looked around for race volunteers...I definitely needed to discuss my options...
To Be Continued...(For Part two of this story, click here)
My conversation, this very second, with my cell phone company.
"I have been charged $70 in roaming charges"
"But my plan is nationwide unlimited"
"Well ma'am, it appears that you left the country"
"Pardon? It appears? I'm telling you that I absolutely did not leave the country"
"Are you sure ma'am? Because I have you all over Canada"
"Yes, I am positive that I did not leave the country - by boat, bridge, or air"
"I was in Detroit, which is close to Canada, but I, by no means, was "all over Canada", in fact I never set foot in Canada"
"Oh yes, I see now... I can absolutely help you with this. Will you please hold?"
(I love that they ask if you mind holding - is it really a question? No. It's a statement.)
........8 minutes later......
"ma'am, are you still there?"
"I've figured out your situation and have great news"
"I understand that you weren't in Canada, but you were so close to Canada that your cell phone was using Canadian cell towers"
"Yes, I get that"
"Well, to us that is the same as being in Canada"
"But I was never in Canada"
"I understand ma'am, but your cell phone doesn't understand that"
"So I am being charged $70 because my cell phone thought it was in Canada even though I was clearly on USA soil"
"Yes, ma'am, Isn't that interesting?"
"Not really. May I talk to your supervisor?"
The other night I had this brilliant idea that I would start a 9 day cleanse. A 9 nine day cleanse that involves 4 days of absolutely no food, and 5 days of very limited food. This was on my way home from Arby's, mind you. Over curly fries and a roast burger (very good, by the way) I pitched the idea to my husband who responded with his eyes rolling to the back of his head. "I'm dead serious about this" I pleaded, as I smashed up the grease-laden brown paper bag that our saturated fat had come delivered in. Note to self: A hunger strike always sounds more attractive when you've consumed a week's worth a fat and sodium content in one sitting. So, began the hell I have been enduring ever since.
This wasn't completely blind. I have been considering doing a cleanse for a couple of years now and just happened to have purchased one last February. Unfortunately, by the time it arrived in the mail, I had lost motivation. Sunday, when the idea hit, I was completely prepared to deprive my body of any digestive joy it is accustomed to.
It is Tuesday now and I haven't had food in approximately 48 hours, unless you count lemons as food. I do not.
I am doing the Isagenix cleanse. They assure me that I will reap many benefits from doing this cleanse; weight loss, increased energy, and better sleep amongst them. Currently, I have a headache, find it hard to hear anything over the rumble of my belly and am generally pissed off. hmm. Oh and am extremely irritable and have the worst breath EVER. And my poop is green and the consistency of tar. The Isagenix people claim that this is the body's way of ridding itself of toxins. I don't buy it. I think they put "stuff" in their stuff so us laymen think we are ridding our bodies of toxins. Just saying.
The highlight of my day was getting a massage. I casually mentioned to the massage therapist that I hadn't eaten in the past 2 days, half expecting her to fall to her knees offering up prayers of praise. She casually mentioned that she does them once a season for at least 10 days and that maybe, just maybe, I should consider a longer cleanse. It took everything in me not to claw her eyes out. Who does she think she is, anyway? And to speak this way to someone who hasn't had so much as an apple in days? Then she suggested that I stop using deodorant...she dabs apple cider vinegar on her armpits every morning and it's WAY better for the body.
This is when I decided that I may never be able to compete with her lengthy cleanses, but I would always smell better. So there.
I have been wanting to do this "25 random things" thing for sometime, so here goes.
1. My first car was a 1985 Buick Electra named Betsy that I bought for a dollar. It fit 7 girls comfortably and most weekends it could be seen driving around my small town causing trouble.
2. When I was 5, my dad was my favorite person in the world. At 16, he disowned me. Now that I'm 29, we are best friends. Go figure.
3. I have known 2 murderers in my life and 1 killer. What's the difference? A killer gets paid to do what he does.
4. I fight dirty. It takes everything in me to not be hurtful during a fight. Not one of my finer qualities.
5. I am stubborn to a fault. I once rode on top of a car (while my dad was driving) in the middle of winter to prove that I wasn't cold. I was freezing.
6. Detroit will always be home to me.
7. I love flour taquitos with chocolate milk.
8. On any given night I would rather be dancing...or singing karaoke.
9. When I feel safe and happy I pinch hands. When I was little I pinched my parent's, now I pinch my husband's.
10. I loved bartending! My patrons loved me, but I was not a good employee - I didn't like to charge for drinks and often didn't.
11. My dog has been the one constant in my life during the past 10 years. It breaks my heart to think he won't always be around.
12. I think it's funny when my husband tells me that he's not mad, but exasperated with me.
13. I was once dumped by a guy who said he prayed about me and God said no. This accelarated my departure from the Mormon church.
14. I love my job selling houses and can't see why I would retire. Ever.
15. I've had 4 tragedies happen around me in the past 6 months. I have learned an appreciation for life that I didn't have before.
16. Patsy Cline is my favorite singer. I've read every biography, heard every song, and have spent a lot of time driving to different cities to watch impersonators. The pinnacle of this experience was seeing a Patsy Cline impersonator in Nashville at the Ryman Auditorium where Patsy herself often performed.
17. I hate laundry. It boggles my mind. It is constant and unrelenting. How is there so much? So often? Just the thought of it overwhelms me.
18. I enjoy running, skiing, biking, climbing, canyoneering, surfing, and hiking, but am not especially good at any of these. Thank god, enthusiasm counts for something.
19. I once taught spanish in a local high school. Now, I barely speak the language.
20. My coolest jobs include working at a methadone clinic, and a temporary job serving elephant ears at the St. Clair County fair. I LOVED both.
21. My best friends and I formed an adventure club in 4th grade. We wore matching outfits, drafted top secret contracts, and spent a lot of time jumping out of 2nd story windows.
22. I once didn't wear deodorant for 10 days. Biggest mistake of my life.
23. My kindergarten teacher told my parents that I had a problem with "daydreaming". This has yet to go away, but I fail to see how daydreaming and problem can exist in the same sentence.
24. I admire people who take artistic license with anything in their life.
25. I made Hamburger Helper the other night. It was disgusting. I rinsed off the ground beef and am going to reuse it tonight in spaghetti sauce. It IS a recession, people.
Hello. Are you people still there? I'm ready to be back, but have so much tell you about... that...that...I'm worried about the written diarrhea that will spew out of your computer and on to your lap. Sorry, that wasn't a pleasant visual.
Working on a post for tomorrow...just had to break the ice...
I would give just about anything and everything to have one night with this man and not to do what you're thinking - although I wouldn't close the door on that opportunity...I more would love to talk to him. There are few things sexier than a man who is not only gorgeous, but intelligent, compassionate, witty, and whose mum is Gloria Vanderbilt. In fact, there is only one man whose mum is Gloria Vanderbilt, but that is besides the point. Our conversation would wane in the early morning hours and then we would play checkers. Checkers. While we eat our crispy (but not too crispy) bacon and he compliments me on my strategy. If you think there is no strategy to checkers now would be the time to keep your thoughts to yourself.
I had the privilege to hear him speak on Saturday night. I was in heaven. I'm sure the chemistry between us was palpable. So if you were there and wondering what "all that" was, now you know.
It wasn't the first time I've been around AC. He and I go way back. All the way back to the time he was filming on top of a building "live" in Salt Lake City and I drove around until I found that building and waited down below. No, I would not consider this stalking. I consider it more fate, destiny, whatever word along those line you choose.
My smile may actually jump off of my face and through your computer if you're not careful. The best part? He doesn't even seem creeped out that my hand is firmly on his ass.
In my last post, I talked about how I'm struggling with this whole "adult" thing. Here is my question for you? When did you feel like an adult? I mean, really feel like an adult? Was it when you graduated from College? Got married? Had children? Never? Still waiting?
I always had this romantic notion of what being an adult would be like. I can remember laying in the green grass on my childhood farm thinking about how great things would be when I was "older", how "easy" life would be when I didn't have parents breathing down my neck, when I didn't have to worry about the mean girls at school, or the annoying pimples that plagued my adolescence. Now that I am an adult (and I use that term very loosely), I am dealing with those same issues - down to the damn pimples. Don't get me wrong, my life is fantastic (most of the time) and I wouldn't change it for the world, but it is nothing like the vision that young girl lying in the grass imagined.
Am I the only one constantly trying to figure things out? Constantly trying to define what being an adult means? Constantly trying to figure out how to make good friendships endure? Constantly trying to sweep the dog hair out of my house? Am I the only one that is convinced that at 85 I will still not feel like an adult?
P.S. RacieLover, I will post about Vegas tomorrow...I haven't forgotten you.
Today was a big day in my world BECAUSE I went to the dentist. That's twice in ONE year, folks. It amazes me that most average people manage to do this year after year after year. At 29, I'm barely getting the hang of this adult thing. Just last month I finally realized that my mom was not coming over to do the laundry, regardless of how big that pile got. And that Jess's eyesight doesn't allow him to even see the laundry pile. Dammit.
For the rundown of my first trip to the dentist, click here
P.S. Just for the record - my house IS dirty, but I do Vote.
P.P.S. I have fresh flowers in my dirty house - does that count for something?
I am back, ladies and gentlemen (hi honey! I'm pretty confident you are the only gent that reads here). It has been a long month for me and I'm sure many of you have been wondering....why no blogging??? Well, it's a complicated answer. Wait, no it's not. I'm not as complicated as I would like to be. The long and short of it is that I had to take a break from everything Internet and news related. I don't have a typical job, or kids that need me, and I find that it is easy to ignore my dogs, so on more than a zillion occasions I was finding myself getting sucked into all of the election bullshit early in the morning and after much ranting, commenting, whining, yelling and crying I would come out of my trance in the afternoon. With about 9 hours of work, and 8 loads of laundry to do. Then Jess would get home from work and guess what we talked about? I'll give you a hint - it wasn't laundry. I would be so worked up that I couldn't sleep. This became a vicious cycle and the only solution was to step back and take a break. Sorry to say this included Soulmoxie.
I've never wanted Soulmoxie to be a place where I platform my political views. There is enough of that out there, no? So this meant that Soulmoxie was silenced. I don't know if this was the right decision. I've had so much to say over the past month...but so much of what I wanted to say inevitably would have hurt the calloused, conservative, greedy republicans in my life. And even more than that, it would have pissed them off. And when they get pissed off, they tend to attack and share their belief that by me becoming a Democrat it somehow means that 1) I wanted my father to die 15 years ago 2) I didn't want, or appreciate the college fund that my parent's so graciously set up for me and 3) I secretly want to take away all of the wealth my family has spent numerous lifetimes of hard work building - which means that I hate them and want them all to be on welfare. SERIOUSLY. These are all things that have been said to me by family members. NUMEROUS TIMES. Right before I run out of the room in tears. Tears that they are convinced are because I know in my heart that I am wrong. Tears, that if provoked enough, will send me running back into the arms of Mormonism and the Republican party. Uh huh. That will happen.
Everyone keeps saying how historical this election is, and while that's true, the word "historical" doesn't seem to be enough for me. There isn't a word in the dictionary to encapsulate all of the emotions and accomplishments that are involved in this victory. To encapsulate how many people for the first time truly became part of America's fabric last night. To encapsulate that any and every child in America can really become anything they want to be. To encapsulate the difference in being proud of being from America, and being proud to be an American.
Because for the first time in my 29 years, I am truly proud to be an American.